Matinee at the Bijou

"Mr. Sarcasm" used to offer free movie nights at the library along with popcorn and refreshments until one of our patrons decided to lift the tip jar.  One bad apple can spoil it for everyone or in this case the two patrons that regularly showed up for the free snacks.

Movie Max

Since the demise of Blockbuster the public has been urging us to order more new release titles of movies and t.v. shows on dvd.  Unfortunately, the minute we get them in someone either steals them and throws the broken security cases in the trash or the Brady Bunch family checks out the maximum 3 dvds per person and we never see them again. Sometimes you can find a few of our titles at the local flee market or pawn shop.

Handcuffed and Hauled Away

Color me surprised! "The Duchess" and "Mr. Sarcasm" teamed up to take out a hooker and her john the other day who were caught in the act in the first floor restroom. I'm surprised either had the gumption to confront the pair. Maybe that's why they had to team up. Two backbones are better than one.

The hooker and her client were barred from the library for 5 years. How they are going to enforce that I have no idea. No one bothered to get their names or make them show an i.d. Maybe it will appear in the police report and we can get their arrest photos to add to our wall of shame?

Lost Causes

After one of the latest natural disasters one of my co-workers felt compelled to put out a coffee can to collect money to send to the Red Cross for assistance. I tried to warn her not to leave the can unattended and full of money at the Ref Desk but she didn't listen. She took the time to decorate it and put the Red Cross emblem on it to make it look official but she failed to keep an eye on it and the first time that she left the desk unattended the can was gone. She was devastated that someone would steal money intended for the victims. I wasn't surprised. We have people who steal pens and toilet paper from the library. They are not going to have any qualms about taking ca$h.

Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

Another thing I really can't stand is when people add their own notes to the margins of books.  Why do you bother returning a damaged book to the library?  No one cares about your opinion.  Keep it to yourself!

Slice and Dice

It really bugs me when people take it upon themselves to cut pictures out of books.  Are they too lazy or too cheap to make a photocopy or do they think they are privileged and deserve a copy of the real thing?  Put away your knives and scissors and pull out your wallet and make a photocopy for a change.

Out of Sight Out of Mind

A guy came up to the Ref Desk today and asked if we had seen anyone carrying a black laptop around.  That pretty much describes most laptops that come in to the library.  Apparently he left his back in the far corner of the library while he went to the restroom and when he returned the laptop was gone.  We searched the stacks but by the time we were notified of the theft the culprit was already gone. The A.D. called 9-1-1 and an officer was supposed to come in and fill-out a report but they ended up taking his report over the phone.  So much for community policing...

Hot Pursuit

While covering a lunch shift at the Ref Desk one day it was hard not to notice three guys with guns on their belts come running through the front door and up the central staircase.  Two broke away and started searching the stacks and one guy just stopped and started looking around.  I asked if we could help him find anything and he said "Did you see a guy in a dark hoodie come running into the library?" 


Well, that describes about half of the twenty-something males that come into our library on a daily basis but I figured this wasn't the time for a witty comeback considering they were armed and dangerous. He then asked if there were any other stairwells in the building and I pointed out the two in the opposite corners of the library and the guy took off in a flash.


These guys turned out to be Federal Marshals who were escorting a guy to court when he apparently decided quite suddenly that he didn't want to go to court that day so he jumped out of their car at the red light in front of the library and fled.  

Pardon My French

I expect little kids to wreak havoc with crayons and markers but why would grown adults feel compelled to write nasty words on tables, chairs, walls and elevators?  Someone has been going around scribbling obscenities on the furniture and inside the public elevator.  As soon as you scrub it off they write "B*tch" or "Wh*re" all over the place again.  Grow up people!

Bra Stash

Once caught a lady leaving the restroom with an entire roll of toilet paper stuffed into her bra.  She had taken all the paper off the roll and had actually padded her bra with it.  She went in a B-cup and came out looking like Dolly Parton on crack.

Dumb Crooks

Dumb crooks have struck again!  A young couple with a small child came to the Ref Desk yesterday looking for guitar books.  This morning our maintenance guy found three guitar book covers ripped off and stashed in the mens restroom trash can.  I wonder who took them?  Hmm, let me hazard a guess...

I Found My Thrill On Blueberry Hill

Ever been confused by someone's identity at the Ref Desk?  We have to keep an eye on the bathroom keys just to make sure that there is no hanky panky going on but sometimes it's down right difficult to know whether the person grabbing the ladies key is actually a lady and vice versa.  I don't mean to judge people based on their appearance but c'mon. 

There once was a rather rotund 'person' that came to use the public Internet computers - they had cropped bleach blonde hair, large breasts, and were wearing a purple J.Lo style velour track suit.  One staff member had seen this 'person' perform karaoke at a night club and kept referring to them as 'The Blueberry'.  It wasn't until this person was involved in an altercation with a male prostitute that we finally figured it out (see Tuesday Nite Special).

Bunny Feat

We've had a few notorious characters come into the library to use the Internet over the last few years.  One in particular was this girl who always wore the pink J.Lo track suits with her long plastic nails and hair piled high on her tiny head.  Turns out this girl was a major player in the local drug trade and was later arrested for her involvement in a few local 'hits' on people in the neighborhood who had done her wrong. I think she's now serving 10-20 years in the federal pen.

Tuesday Nite Special

One evening this shirtless guy busts through the front door and starts screaming at the Circulation Department staff "Puta, Puta, Dial 9-1-1!" Apparently this guy was a 'working man' and had just serviced a gentleman and his friend outside the library near our drive-up window but the two gents failed to pay him for services rendered so he wanted us to call the police to get his hard earned money.

Book 'em Danno

The local city police usually send one of their officers into the library a couple of times a week to do an outstanding warrant sweep. It's usually a pretty successful venture. There are usually one or two Internet users or people hiding in the remote recesses of the Reference stacks that get hauled away in handcuffs.

Just the Fax Ma'am

A couple of years ago we noticed a rash of people coming to the Ref Desk asking to fax their driver's license to an out-of-state fax number. Now normally we wouldn't pay attention to such things and would respect our patrons privacy but the coincidence was just too great not to arouse suspicion when several people (who looked and acted strung out on something) during the course of a single day asked to fax the same stuff to the same number. 

Why? Why? Why?

I know I've harped on this before but it needs repeating.  Don't steal things that are already free.  I came in to work this morning to find huge chunks torn out of the local newspaper.  Why do people do this?  Are people too afraid to ask nicely for things anymore? Why do you feel the need to deny access to others and tear out want ads or coupons?  If you don't have the ca$h to pay for a photocopy just let us know.  I would gladly give you a dime to pay for a photocopy than to have you decimate the newspaper before others get to read it.

Stupid Human Tricks

Here's a tip... If you are planning on stealing library materials don't come to the Ref Desk and ask where a certain book or a certain subject matter is shelved. It's like planting a big bull's-eye on your back.

WiccaMANIA

Seems like every time we get a new occult title in it disappears from the shelves within two weeks.  Why can't all you potential witches and warlocks out there figure out how to brew a potion, cast a spell or pray to your earthen goddesses for help in conjuring up some CA$H and walk down to the nearest bookstore to purchase your own copy of the latest titles? Better still, why don't you check out the book and then take it to the next coven meeting for show-and-tell?  That way all your fellow wiccans can read it and then someone can return it to the library in order to avoid the late fees.  Why must someone always 'permanently borrow' our materials?

Sticky Fingers

Why do people steal things that are already offered to them for free at the local library?  A library card is free...why do you need to steal books, magazines, cd's, dvd's or better yet the local newspaper?  It's not enough to cut out the classified ads or write on the crossword puzzles (in ink with the wrong answers, I might add) but you literally have to steal the police blotter or tear out an article about someone you know or even yourself that has been apprehended and adjudicated. Are you embarrassed by the publicity? Or do you want the article to show to your friends as a way of bragging about your exploits?