Number One With a Bullet

Had another run-in with the 'Headbanger' again today.  This guy is like the putrid sanguineous puss that seeps from the open wound of a festering disease.  Ever had that one particular someone that just got under your skin?  Well this guy is creeping right up to the number one spot on my list.  ARGHHH!!!

Why? Why? Why?

I know I've harped on this before but it needs repeating.  Don't steal things that are already free.  I came in to work this morning to find huge chunks torn out of the local newspaper.  Why do people do this?  Are people too afraid to ask nicely for things anymore? Why do you feel the need to deny access to others and tear out want ads or coupons?  If you don't have the ca$h to pay for a photocopy just let us know.  I would gladly give you a dime to pay for a photocopy than to have you decimate the newspaper before others get to read it.

Stupid Human Tricks

Here's a tip... If you are planning on stealing library materials don't come to the Ref Desk and ask where a certain book or a certain subject matter is shelved. It's like planting a big bull's-eye on your back.

Lady Wrangler

We have a partially-retired gentleman who comes in three days a week to staff our local history and genealogy collection help desk. He's an avid hunter and fisherman and loves to relate his stories to the older gents who come in to research their family trees. When he's not checking out the latest stream reports online he spends most of his time wrangling the assortment of widows and divorcees who manage to wander in on his shift and sit and flirt with him for hours on end. 

Information Please

I don't know what it is about me but I may as well has "Information" tattooed on my forehead.  It's not enough that I help people and answer questions all day but I can't seem to get a break from that same activity when I'm out running my own personal errands.  Whether I'm shopping in Wal Mart or the local Office Depot store someone during the course of my visit will inevitably walk up to me and ask me where something is or do you carry this or that.  The sad part is, I can usually answer their questions.  I've even been known to pull up a ladder and climb onto the shelves to retrieve items for little old ladies in the housewares department or escort people around the store until the correct aisle is located. Am I a nice person or just a total pushover?

Pocket Full of Miracles

My co-worker is one of the sweetest and most eccentric people that you'll ever meet but she is a little oblivious to certain things.  One of my fondest "Miss Jane" encounters involved a conversation about khaki pants. Another co-worker and I were talking at the Ref Desk about the inevitability of getting a new pair of khaki pants dirty while working at the library when "Miss Jane" walked up and joined in on the conversation.  She said "I've had these khaki pants for at least five years and they're my favorite pair of pants but the only thing I don't like about them is that they don't have any pockets."

Sticky Wicket

Our library receives a gift subscription to Playboy magazine. I'm always amazed when it is returned to the Ref Desk in pristine condition yet our copies of Cosmopolitan and Glamour always seem to wind up with the pages stuck together or with the featured celebrity centerfold torn out and the remnants of the magazine stashed in the trash.

Font-a-Holic

Is anyone else out there addicted to fonts?  I often volunteer to work on library displays and flyers just so I have an excuse to sit at my computer and search for new and interesting fonts to play with.  Shhh... don't tell anyone but it's my secret obsession.

Kidz These Dayz

One day this young tween girl came to the Ref Desk and asked where we kept our 33 inch cds.  Puzzled. The young, twenty-somethings on staff looked at each other and wondered what in the world this girl was talking about. Unfortunately I, being a survivor of the 80s, quickly figured out that she was asking for a 33 inch LP record. Man did I feel old. Classic vinyl isn't dead, is it? What are parents teaching their children these days?

House Calls

Seems like there an awful lot of patients out there that aren't being properly informed by their physicians.  We tend to get a lot of people in looking to research their latest diagnosis.  Some even show up with a list of conditions that the doctor has told them that they suffer from and they want to check out a book on each new disease. Have doctors never heard of proper patient education?

Amnesiacs

Staff:  Can I help you?


Patron:  Yes. I was in your library a couple of years ago and checked out a really good book. I don't remember the author, the title, or what it was about but it had a green cover on it. Can you help me find it again?

Family Tree

Is it just me or do you think that some so-called professional genealogists out there can be a little overly demanding and rather rude when they visit your local history and genealogy collection?  It's as if they expect you to have both sides of their family tree fully researched, published and bound neatly into one little book complete with pictures of their family patriarch and tales of all his exploits. Just because your ancestor was notorious in 'ye old family lore' doesn't mean he was newsworthy to anyone outside your family. Sorry grandpa.

Potter Schmotter

When I was in grad school the whole Harry Potter craze was just beginning.  I was assigned to observe and write a report on a children's program at a local branch library and the one I chose just happened to be having a Harry Potter party that day.  There they were all dressed up as Harry Potter characters and performing little skits for the kids who really were only there for the free snacks.  Professor Snape approached me and asked what I was doing and I told 'her' that I was there doing research for a class.  

Dedication

You know that you have a dedicated patron and book lover when the library is literally on fire and the "Doctor" is pushing past the working firemen trying to get into the burning building yelling "I've got to pick up my holds!"

The "Ick" Factor

You can always tell a self-help book seeking patron at twenty paces when they slink up to the desk, look around, and then begin to whisper "I need a book on _____". As you lead them back to the self-help section you are in full therapist mode as they begin to relate all their marital or relationship problems and sexual dysfunctions. On one particularly ick-worthy day I spent a good twenty minutes pinned in the stacks with this guy who kept pouring his heart out to me about his pending divorce and his lack of skill in the bedroom.

Mandingo

When I was an undergrad I fulfilled my work study hours at the local public library. We were next door to the local community college and served as their satellite library as well.  One day this professor came in and put several videos on reserve for his class. I must admit I didn't pay much attention to his selection of materials until one day when this rather conservative looking lady came in and asked to see his reserve list. I pulled the box out from under the circ desk and was waiting for her to make her selection when she asked 'What is this movie?  I've never heard of it."

Winnie the Pooh Pas

Has anyone else ever been forced by the powers that be to sacrifice your own sense of dignity in service to your library?  When I was a newbie librarian my director 'volunteered' me to dress up in costume and parade around the state capitol waving signs and chanting in support of libraries.  

Over and Out!

Someone came up to the staff desk in our Youth Services department and reported strange, guttural noises coming from the women's restroom.  When the staff went to investigate they overheard a couple copulating in the large stall.  They called for reinforcements and when the Assistant Director showed up and told the couple that they needed to leave the library immediately, the man yelled back "I'm not done yet!" Some people have no shame.

Out-of-Order

I don't mean to perpetuate stereotypes but aren't men supposed to be the 'Mr. Fixit' types?  Not around here!  There is one particular gentleman in my library that likes to go slap-happy with the out-of-order signs whenever he encounters the slightest problem with any office equipment.  Now I on the other hand am the type that likes to get my hands dirty and fix things so I at least try to figure out and solve the problem before I resort to calling in the pro's.  I mean who can afford all those service bills for a minor paper jam? 

Just Wondering...

Why do all babies seem to have the ability to hit that same shrill note that makes you feel like a jackhammer is boring into the side of your brain?

What? What??

Does anyone else out there wonder what these 'Generation Nexters' are going to do when they are all old and stone deaf from abusing iPods and ear buds?  Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky but I get tired of constantly telling people that are using the public Internet terminals to turn down the music. The whole point of ear phones is to prevent other people from hearing what you are listening to. Do they think they are going to live long enough to see Apple invent an iPod small enough to be surgically implanted directly into their eardrums?  Will iPod replace hearing aids?


Hey! Wait a minute. Can someone get Steve Jobs on the phone? I think I just thought of something...

I Do...

I received a bawdy marriage proposal from one of our regulars the other day.  "Philandering Phil" told me he would "marry me in a heartbeat".  I might have been flattered by the offer if he hadn't already made the same proposal to every other female employee in the building that day too. Maybe I shouldn't have turned him down so quick. Who knows?  It might be the last proposal I ever get. Colin Firth is already married. Right?

Loose Change

While I've worked at the Ref Desk I've been presented with many bizarre things that people have offered in exchange for payment of their copy fees but the most memorable has to be the day this guy came up and emptied out all of the contents of his pockets onto the desk.  Amongst the spare change, roll of Certs, and pocket lint, I noticed a small brown bottle.  Now I'm no drug expert, but I do watch a lot of crime dramas on tv and I must say that I recognized this item immediately. It was a vial full of cocaine. There it was sitting right in front of me. I couldn't believe it. I tried not to react. I don't know if the guy was already high or what but he didn't seem to notice or even mind the fact that he had just exposed his 'extracurricular activities' to the local librarian.

Magnum Hopeless

Some ten years into my chosen profession the new fad du jour is the librarian as author/authoress. Seems like 2 out of 3 of my professional colleagues are in the midst of penning their magnus opus. They are constantly begging one another to read and critique 'my latest novel'. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that even if you were an english major and you've managed to find a career where you are surrounded by books all day it doesn't mean that you have acquired the ability by osmosis to actually write a book. Some of these graphic novels, novellas and book of poems are positively dreadful and should not be forced upon an unwitting public.  Just saying...

Fairy Tales

When I first entered grad school I was amazed at how many english majors there were in the Library Science program at my university. On the first day of class when we were forced to stand up and introduce ourselves I would say 6 out of 10 stated that their undergraduate degree was in english and that they had never worked in a library but loved to read books so they decided to become a librarian and read books all day. I think I actually chuckled out loud at that one. Anyone who has ever worked or volunteered in a busy library knows that you don't have time to sit around and read all day.  What do these people think?  Little faeries put the used books back on the shelves?  Hah!

Home Sweet Home

Don't get me wrong, I want people to enjoy their time in the library but within reason.  The library is not your home away from home.  Don't put your feet up on the tables.  Don't tip back on your chair. Don't pack a picnic lunch and expect to spread it out on one of our tables and munch all day.  Don't bring your overpriced coffee and expect to sit back and relax with the newspaper. No food or drink allowed means no food or drink allowed. Food attracts bugs. Bugs eat books.

Security Check

You never know what you will find in the public restroom.  While conducting our closing security check I was told by our circulation department staff and the security guard that the floor was clear and we were ready to exit the building.  While we were lining up to leave the floor I heard some voices coming from the far corner of the library.  When the security guard went to investigate, he opened the women's restroom door and there on the floor were two men swilling a bottle of vodka.  They were so involved in conversation that they failed to hear the closing announcements.  They apologized and quickly left the building.  What they failed to explain was why they were in the women's restroom and not the men's.

Moratorium

Has anyone else noticed the rise in babies with the same name listed in the birth announcements from local hospitals? I mean how many Aliyah's, Mackenzie's and Nevaeh's does one county need?  Just think about the first day of school...they'll have to resort to George Foreman's formula of calling them by number. Nevaeh 1, Nevaeh 2, Nevaeh 3, etc.  I think the local hospital or county clerk's office should post a moratorium on certain baby names.  When you go to register Nevaeh(16) they can say to you "Nope, sorry. Too many Nevaeh's this year. We've reached our quota. You'll have to pick something else." 

And what's up with all the hyphens and accent marks in kids names today?  Example: La-ia pronounced (La-dash-e-ah) why not (La-hyphen-ah)?
Give me a break!

A.D.A. Compliant

The "Doctor" came charging up to the Ref Desk all aflutter because he was upset by the number of toilet paper dispensers in the men's restroom.  Apparently there are not one, not two, but three toilet paper roll dispensers lining the wall in the men's room. His concern lies in the fact that two of the three are on the left side of the wall and not the right.  He feels that this is discriminatory against right-handed people.  He also wondered if the positioning of the dispensers at a low height had something to do with complying with A.D.A. standards.  He thought that one dispenser should be raised higher for those standing as opposed to those sitting on the loo.

Hold Your Water

What is it with men and public restrooms? Why can't they leave it looking like they found it?  I returned to work today and was told by our maintenance guy that the restrooms were out-of-order yesterday because some guy had wee'd on the toilet paper dispensers.  I mean come on!  As young boys, you guys learn the skill of writing your names in the snow.  Why can't you carry that accuracy and precision into adulthood?  Or as my grandma used to say "learn to hold your water!"

Flying Monkeys

Had the living daylights scared out of me today.  While walking to work I rounded the corner of the parking garage and was just about to walk pass a large dumpster when all of a sudden this loud BANG! went off in my ear. I thought a bomb had exploded. But NO!  It was Mr. "Headbangers Ball' pretending to be a freerunner.  He took a flying leap off the second story of the parking structure and landed on top of the dumpster and then went scurrying off down the alleyway like one of those heinous flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.

Powered by Ex-Lax

One of my most memorable encounters with the 'Doctor' occurred late one evening not so long ago. It had been a relatively quiet and uneventful shift at the Ref Desk when all of a sudden I heard this pounding noise. I looked over and the Doc was slamming the mouse down on the table and shaking the monitor of his computer. I asked what was wrong and he said that the print preview function wasn't loading quick enough and it was wasting his session minutes. I tried explaining that the size of a .pdf file often determines how long something takes to download but he wouldn't hear of it. When I asked him to please stop abusing the equipment, he starts yelling at me across the room "You're computer is constipated! It needs an enema!"

The "Doctor" Is In

Oh crap! Here comes my 'favorite' patron. He calls himself the "Doctor".  A doctor of what I'm not exactly sure. Since I've worked here I've never known the man to have an active occupation.  He's an authority on everything except how to use a computer so he makes our lives a living hell with his insistence on being catered to whenever he uses the public Internet terminals. His routine is the same... he comes bounding up the stairs with his classical music blaring out of his ear buds and stakes out his favorite computer terminal. He tosses down his bicycle helmet and knapsack, then crosses the room to the free box of newspaper comics and grabs a select page and then proceeds to spread it out over the chair so that his bum doesn't come into contact with any potential library cooties.

Thinning the Herd

Why is it that loud, obnoxious people always travel in herds?  You round them up and make them leave the public areas of the library because they're too loud and disturbing other patrons and what do they do?  They walk outside and stand right in front of the entrance, smoke their cigarettes, and carry on their loud conversations without skipping a beat. That is... after they've called you every four-letter word known to man on their way out the door.

Librarian Confidential

I don't know why but I just seem to have one of those faces in which people like to tell me deep, dark, personal things about themselves and when it comes to working in the library I seem to evoke a need to confess their sins both legal and immoral.  While leading inquiring minds to the state legal code books I'm barraged by tales of illicit activities and petty crimes.  Seems as if everyone has something they are trying to get away with whether it be beating a speeding ticket, avoiding a sentence for drug possession or getting a restraining order lifted placed on them by their 'baby mama' or crazy ex-boyfriend. People, please. I am not your confessor. I'm not your priest, your lawyer, your doctor or your shrink.  Stop telling me every little intimate detail of your lives.  

Crack Alley

Some days I just don't know which is worse, walking to work and seeing the drug deals going down in the library parking lot; finding used needles in the bathroom trash; or running the gauntlet of exposed buttcracks that line the public Internet terminals every day.  Why can't these people pull their pants up?  Don't they feel the breeze when other people walk by?  Or are they intentionally displaying the variety of tramp stamps, g-strings, and hairy backsides for some sort of perverse thrill?  Buy a belt people. It's that simple.

Shoved in the Stacks

Here is a list of random items that patrons have left behind in the library stacks: dirty diapers, bag of stale donuts, tube of Polident, black and purple lace bra, nuts and berries, can of sardines, used condom wrappers, marijuana leaf, crack pipe, used needles, porn magazines, plane tickets, soiled underwear, car parts, credit cards, stolen purses, XXX dvds, pictures, birthday cards, used makeup sponge, can of skoal, busted cd shards, and a bottle of lubricant. 

WiccaMANIA

Seems like every time we get a new occult title in it disappears from the shelves within two weeks.  Why can't all you potential witches and warlocks out there figure out how to brew a potion, cast a spell or pray to your earthen goddesses for help in conjuring up some CA$H and walk down to the nearest bookstore to purchase your own copy of the latest titles? Better still, why don't you check out the book and then take it to the next coven meeting for show-and-tell?  That way all your fellow wiccans can read it and then someone can return it to the library in order to avoid the late fees.  Why must someone always 'permanently borrow' our materials?

F.Y.I.

To all you non-attentive parents out there.  It's not a good idea to dump your kids off at the local library while you finish your shopping, go to night school, or meet your friends for coffee.  I'm not your babysitter and if you haven't noticed lately there are certain undesirable members of society that like to frequent the library during all hours of the day and night.  We have pimps, prostitutes, drug-dealers, drug-addicts, assorted criminals and registered pedophiles who also like to read books, surf the Internet and check out free movies.

Manners... Anyone?

Does anyone else out there feel like no one has any manners anymore?  I can't tell you how many times during the course of a day that a patron sitting on the public Internet terminals instead of politely standing up and walking over to the Ref Desk to ask for assistance will instead raise their arm, snap their fingers, and yell "Hey I need some help over here".  Sometimes I feel compelled to yell back "Take those fingers and shove 'em where the sun don't shine" but according to our director, the Queen Bee, we're just supposed to grin and bear it.

Headbangers Ball

Have you ever had fantasies while sitting at the Ref Desk?  Lately I've been fixated on a particularly obnoxious patron.  He sits at the public computers with his thrash metal music blaring so loudly that you can hear it outside his headphones. He then proceeds to pump his air guitar, neck thrashing to-and-fro, and singing along with the music. Sometimes I fantasize that in one of his grander public performances he'll thrash so hard that he hits his head on the keyboard and knocks himself out.  

MySpace Ho's

The local 'working' girls have gone hi-tech. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed the rise in the use of social networking sites by local prostitutes to schedule their hookups?  I probably wouldn't give it much thought if they didn't schedule their rendezvous at the library.  Are they too lazy to take it outside in the stereotypical alleyways and backseats of cars?  Now they take mini-breaks from their online sessions to make a little extra cash in the dark recesses of the library stacks. Seems like we're constantly shooing couples away from the locked restrooms or stumbling upon people lying under the tables or with their hands down someone else's pants at the computer terminals.  Am I just a prude or does this behavior disturb anyone else?

Sticky Fingers

Why do people steal things that are already offered to them for free at the local library?  A library card is free...why do you need to steal books, magazines, cd's, dvd's or better yet the local newspaper?  It's not enough to cut out the classified ads or write on the crossword puzzles (in ink with the wrong answers, I might add) but you literally have to steal the police blotter or tear out an article about someone you know or even yourself that has been apprehended and adjudicated. Are you embarrassed by the publicity? Or do you want the article to show to your friends as a way of bragging about your exploits?  

America's Most Wanted

Our staff has a daily ritual of checking the police blotter in the newspaper and checking the online intake sheet at the local jail just to see which of our library regulars got picked up last night.  It would be tragic if it wasn't so comical sometimes.  We even keep a notebook of those serial offenders or known pedophiles so we can forewarn the children's department.

Sex in the Stacks

Our library seems to be a real hot spot for those wanting to get their groove on or wanting an impromptu 'Afternoon Delight'.  Is it a fetish thing?  Do they think they're being rebellious?  Or are they just too cheap to go to a motel?  Granted, most of the girls involved would consider themselves 'semi-pros', but I just don't know why a $20 bj seems all the more thrilling when you get it under a table or in the public restroom at the local library.  Call me crazy, but I just don't get it. 

In My Humble Opinion

Paranoid schizophrenics should not be allowed to have caller id.  I can't tell you how many times I've gotten an angry phone call from someone saying "You're number showed up on my caller id.  What do you want? I don't know anyone at the library. Why are you calling me?"

F.Y.I.

No, I can't tell YOU what tax forms YOU need. 

Just Wondering...

Why do patrons that come into the library to read, surf the Internet, and study always fail to read the signage in the library requesting things like 'No food or drinks allowed'; 'Please turn off your cell phones'; 'Please do not re-shelve books or magazines'; 'Do not leave children unattended'; or 'You must have a photo id to receive a guest pass'? They obviously can read but they seem blind to the written policies spelled out on the wall.

Just Wondering...

Why is it that people with nothing useful, entertaining or enlightening to say, always talk in the loudest volume possible so that anyone within a 25 yard radius can hear everything that they have to say? Is it simple attention-seeking behavior, bad manners, or are they just plain clueless?

Just Wondering...

Why do people using the public Internet computers always repeatedly slam the mouse down on the table thinking that it somehow has the magical ability to speed up a page that is taking too much time, in their estimation, to load? 

Just Wondering...

Why is it when you answer the telephone professionally and politely and say "Hello, This is the _____ _____ Library" the caller on the other side of the phone inevitably asks "Are you open?"  Does anyone else out there just want to scream back "No, I'm just here answering the phones for the fun of it".

Salutations

This page was created in an attempt to alleviate some of the stresses of working in a library on a daily basis. The stories and anecdotes shared here are not intended to insult, harm, or infuriate. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent.