None of Your Beeswax

The John Travolta devotee has struck again.  After watching the latest episode of Entertainment Tonight she called the library and wanted to know the sexual preference of certain celebrities.  She often calls with bizarre questions like that and others including "How tall is this actress?" and "Did such and such celebrity die of A.I.D.S.?" 

Prince Dread

"The Doctor" was back in the library today with his earphones blaring static. Yes, s-t-a-t-i-c.  No discernible music was emanating from his head only loud, scratchy, static.  We told him several times to turn it down but he is being obstinate as always. 

Tick Tock Goes the Clock

Why is it when it's your turn to work the evening shift time just seems to stop?  No matter how busy you are time just ticks...ticks...ticks...so slowly that you think you're head is going to explode.

As the Screw Turns

Found out today that the little backroom deal involving the switch between the "Duchess" and "Mr. Sarcasm" involves "Mr. Sarcasm" not pulling any Ref Desk duty.  He apparently thinks he's going to toil away the hours tucked nice and neatly behind a desk in an office somewhere.  Boy is he in for a rude awakening.

Work Schmerk

"Miss Jane" once announced that she was tired and burnt out of working the Ref Desk so she was only going to write grant proposals for the foreseeable future so she locked herself away in her office for a whole month.  Turns out she was actually involved with some literary website where they encouraged you to write a novel in thirty days.  She spent her work hours and her home life toiling away on this manuscript that she had comb bound and keeps at ready in the trunk of her car anytime she thinks she can convince anyone to actually read it.

Read the Fine Print

As I said before, "Miss Jane" is a big fan of the tv show Gunsmoke so when the opportunity came to bid on an actual Gunsmoke lunchbox on EBay she jumped at the chance.  Only it wasn't an actual lunchbox.  When the package arrived she was shocked to find that what she had actually bid on and won was a lunchbox keychain.

How Bad Can It Be?

Our public restrooms got so bad that we literally had to post signs that say "Please flush after using" and yet people still forget. Rather, they just don't care.

Buy One Get One Free

"Miss Jane" is a big Michael Jackson fan.  So when a national library conference was being held in Chicago she wrangled an invitation to go along even though she wasn't actually attending the conference.  She just wanted to visit the vendors and take a vacation to visit her relatives that lived in the Chicago area.  After taking the A.D.'s spot in the van (which meant he couldn't go to the conference at all) she changed her mind at the last minute and decided to drive herself so she could stop in Gary, Indiana and visit Michael Jackson's boyhood home.

When she arrived at M.J.'s house there wasn't any place to park nearby because of all the memorial tribute traffic in the neighborhood so "Miss Jane" had to park a few streets away.  A couple of local gentlemen were sitting on the front porch of a nearby house and offered to let her park in their driveway for a mere $10.  Since she didn't have change for a $20 she went ahead and gave them an extra $10 to which they replied "You can park here for free next time".  She thought that was a great deal. 

I Dread Monday

After all the hubbub that went down on my day off I just can't wait to get the full report from "Miss Jane" tomorrow about the changing of the guard between "The Duchess" and "Mr. Sarcasm".  Crap like that always seems to go down when I'm not here to protest or be the voice of reason.  Hmmm...

Hey Festus, How are Doc and Miss Kitty?

"Miss Jane" is obsessed with the old tv show Gunsmoke and the actor that portrayed Marshal Matt Dillon.  She even planned her vacation one year to ride the train out to Dodge City and see where and what the show was based upon.  But as usual her plans took a turn when she became so stressed out by the thought of packing her suitcase and catching the train she gave up and spent the whole week in her house not returning phone calls or going outside so no one would find out that she didn't actually go on vacation. Yet she confessed all the minute she returned to work on Monday.

Blind Date

I once had to give "Miss Jane" a lift to the mall to retrieve her car after she had a blind date with a guy whom she let drive her home after an early evening exit.  Not only did she abandon her car at the mall that night but she let a total stranger drive to her house only to never be seen again. Does anyone else find the lack of security awareness disturbing or is it just me?

Asked For By Name

"Headbanger" was in earlier today and stopped by the Ref Desk and asked specifically if I was working today.  When told yes he shirked off into the stacks. Should I be flattered or worried about retribution? Hmmm...

Geography Lesson

Just had a guy at the Ref Desk asking for a contact phone number or website for the I.R.S. office in St. Louis, Montana.   Yes, MONTANA.  He repeated it three times.  Well we couldn't find a listing for that city because it doesn't exist. Finally we got him to read the address off the envelope and he was confusing the abbreviation of MO for MT.

The Sh*t Hath Hitteth the Fan

The 'Duchess' has scored a major coup.  Since being denied the promotion to A.D. she has managed to situate herself into a department head's position.  Apparently the current department head ticked off a patron who then complained to the director so now the Ref Desk will be inflicted by their incompetence while the 'Duchess' gets a three month trial in their position while still retaining aspects of her current one as well. 

You see, instead of just firing someone for incompetence or insubordination our director likes to transfer them to other departments or branches so they can mess things up there too.  This place is going to hell in a handbasket!

Rudolph, the Brown Nosed Reindeer

Does anyone else out there have a co-worker whose nose is so far up the director's bum that when they finally come up for air their nose is brown and crusty?

Hot Blooded

What is it with freezy people?  If you know that you are prone to getting chilled in the workplace why don't you compensate by wearing long sleeves or bringing a sweater to work with you?  Why must you make the rest of us suffer because of your poor circulation?  It's not like I can run around the Ref Desk naked.

Good Neighbours?

"Miss Jane" had a hard-on-her luck neighbor who had a ne'er-do-well boyfriend who needed to borrow a car for a short errand so "Miss Jane" happily offered him her car. His errand turned out to be a multi-state crime spree. "Miss Jane" thought it was odd that her car hadn't been returned after a few days but she was even more shocked when she received a call from a state trooper several states away stating that her car had been involved in a crime spree and had been impounded.

Parking Situation

We have a parking garage with numbered spaces yet our administration will not allocate spaces according to number. It's pretty much finders keepers so we are constantly battling with the public and other local businesses for our spaces.  I mean how hard is it to make a list with your name, description of car, license plate number and space number? Apparently too hard or too commonsensical for our director to implement.

Cat Splat

I know I've mentioned before how soft-hearted 'Miss Jane' is when it comes to people but she's even more soft-hearted when it comes to cats.  She has two of her own and tries to look out for the neighborhood stragglers as well.  One day while walking in the city park she noticed a cat had been hit by a car and was lying dead in the street. 

Fearing that it was her neighbors cat she scooped it up in a towel and took it home and put it in her garage.  She intended to wait until her neighbor got home and then ask if their cat was missing.  When she returned she found out that no it wasn't her neighbors cat but just some lost kitty.  So she left it in her garage for a few days until she could convince the kid next door to help her bury it in her yard.

Office Cliques

Do you have office cliques at your library?  You know the type - you go around the corner and see them in a clinch and then they all stop talking when you enter the room. During department meetings they all sit together and talk amongst themselves while someone else has the floor and they always argue with any progressive idea that is mentioned because it would be too difficult for them to fix or adhere to in their department. They are barriers to change both professionally and personally.

Impossible Dream

"The Doctor" has a tendency to call us with the most impossible reference requests. He loves to listen to NPR early in the wee hours of the morning but he never remembers the full content of what he was listening to.  He will ask us to find the name of book that was featured on a program at 2 am on some talk show but he can't remember the name of the show, the author, or the title.  All he remembers is the subject and its always some bizarre right-wing conspiracy theory or some way out there medical discovery.

One Upmanship

"Miss Jane" is the most passive aggressive person I think I've ever met.  Whenever she finds out anything new about a person she has to come right back with a tale greater than the achievement accomplished by the storyteller.  So much for the meek and mild librarian stereotype.

Six O'Clock News

We have a female patron that is obsessed with John Travolta.  Every time he is mentioned on the news she has to call and ask us to check out his website so she can catch the latest update.  She also calls every Tuesday at 6:25 pm asking us what just appeared on the crawl across the bottom of her tv on the local six o'clock news.  She'll say "I just stepped out of the room for a minute and missed the beginning of the message, can you tell me what it said?"  Instead of simply waiting for the crawl to be repeated she calls us. 

New Faces

There have been a lot of new faces coming in to use the Internet the past couple of days.  They must have gotten a new bus load of transients in at the nearby homeless shelter. They tend to come in waves every three to six months and then move on down the line.  Curiously enough, they say they don't have homes to go home to but they all have 'friends' to chat with on facebook, myspace and via email.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

I'm constantly amazed at the number of people that come huffing and puffing up the central staircase at our library only to ask "How do I get to the third or fourth floor?"  When we point out the stairwell and public elevator in the corner they seem surprised yet they begrudgingly traipse their way over and hop aboard.  The weird part comes when they return from the third or fourth floor on the elevator get off on the second floor and walk back around the mezzanine to the Ref Desk only to finish walking down to the first floor on the central staircase.  Don't these people realize that the elevator goes all the way down to the first floor?

I Found My Thrill On Blueberry Hill

Ever been confused by someone's identity at the Ref Desk?  We have to keep an eye on the bathroom keys just to make sure that there is no hanky panky going on but sometimes it's down right difficult to know whether the person grabbing the ladies key is actually a lady and vice versa.  I don't mean to judge people based on their appearance but c'mon. 

There once was a rather rotund 'person' that came to use the public Internet computers - they had cropped bleach blonde hair, large breasts, and were wearing a purple J.Lo style velour track suit.  One staff member had seen this 'person' perform karaoke at a night club and kept referring to them as 'The Blueberry'.  It wasn't until this person was involved in an altercation with a male prostitute that we finally figured it out (see Tuesday Nite Special).

Hi It's Dan

"Miss Jane" is an older single woman who lives alone in a large house with her two cats.  One day she decided that she wanted to leave a message on her answering machine to dissuade any potential stalkers from bothering her so she asked one of our patrons to leave a message on her answering machine saying "Hi, This is 'Dan' and 'Miss Jane'.  Sorry we can't come to the phone right now..." 

She has the tendency not to answer her telephone when she's avoiding coming to work in the mornings (she likes to sleep late) so we have to repeatedly call her and wake her up otherwise she will sleep the day away in her bunk bed (yes, bunk bed) and never get to work on time.

Bieber Fever

"Miss Jane" is pushing 60 but she has the mind of a teenage girl.  She gets 'crushes' on current teen idols like the Disney channel's Cole & Dylan Sprouse and her latest Justin Bieber.  She is so devoted that she still carries a photo of her 20-something favorite Donna Osmond in her purse.  His photo even takes precedence over that of her current real life boyfriend.  If it was anyone else I would say that they have a twinge of pedophilia but due to her 'innocence' I guess she just refuses to grow up and grow old like the rest of us.

I Hate Mondays - Part Deux

Nope. This afternoon has pretty much sucked too. Can't we all just agree to a four day work week and leave Mondays out of the equation entirely? 

Sugar Police

Whenever a staff member has a birthday we all get together and bring in a few snacks to help them celebrate.  Nothing fancy, just a few munchies like cheese and crackers or a veggie tray.  But our supervisor keeps trying to squash the celebrations because she thinks there is too much sugary stuff being brought in.  The ironic thing is - she is the one that always has to bake a fancy desert or bring in the sugary pasteries after every road trip back to her hometown. That fact is totally lost on her.

Happy Trails To You

Ever had a co-worker that planned for years to retire, had the big retirement party, and headed off into the sunset only to return from semi-retirement to inflict more pain and burden on their former co-workers?  We've had several return to the flock in the past couple of years.  Whether through boredom or economic necessity they have returned to the library part-time in some capacity.  Good for them, right?  Not so good for us. 

They're here two or three days a week and spend most of their time making personal calls, arranging extended lunches with their friends or washing their hands in the restroom.  They do little to no calculable work at all.  It's like they're here to socialize and collect a pay check.

Directionless

Why do people ask for directions and then not follow them?  I told a guy three times that the book that he was looking for was on aisle 4 and he still couldn't find it.  He went to aisle 2, then aisle 3, then aisle 5 which are all clearly marked with big black letters on the ends of the shelves. I had to lead him by the nose to the exact spot where I told him the book would be. 

Then he tried to use the ladies restroom key instead of waiting for the mens room to become available.  He tried to convince me that unisex bathrooms were all the rage elsewhere but I told him not at this library.  You'll either have to wait for the key to be returned or go to the 3rd or 4th floor.  Then what does he do?  He goes downstairs to the 1st floor.  ARRGHHH!

I Hate Mondays

Having a Monday from hell.  Please tell me the afternoon will be better.

Best of Intentions

'Miss Jane' is a notorious soft-touch when it comes to dealing with the public and their hard-knock stories.  She believes everything she hears.  She once befriended this single father who kept bringing his daughter in to use the public Internet computers year after year.  He told 'Miss Jane' that she was being home schooled.


So 'Miss Jane' was surprised to hear when the father was arrested and placed in federal prison for child abduction. Turns out he had lost custody of the girl years earlier and instead of staying to duke it out with the ex-wife in court he absconded with his daughter.  To this day 'Miss Jane' still gives him the benefit of the doubt saying 'He was such a nice guy'.

Bunny Feat

We've had a few notorious characters come into the library to use the Internet over the last few years.  One in particular was this girl who always wore the pink J.Lo track suits with her long plastic nails and hair piled high on her tiny head.  Turns out this girl was a major player in the local drug trade and was later arrested for her involvement in a few local 'hits' on people in the neighborhood who had done her wrong. I think she's now serving 10-20 years in the federal pen.

Binky Overboard

I don't know why but people with small children in strollers like to park them on our 'adult' floor instead of taking the kids to the children's department where there are toys and activities to keep the youngsters occupied.  They like to park the strollers in the middle of the aisle and sit on the public Internet terminals for the next two hours and ignore their screaming children while they surf the web or chat with their friends.  I've even seen little kids loose their binkies and instead of taking it and washing it off when it hits the floor the parent will just pick it up and shove it back in the kids mouth just to keep them quiet.

Knock Wood

Haven't seen the 'Doctor' in the library for a while.  Maybe the early spring temps are keeping him outside and pestering other people during the daylight hours. One can only hope our good fortune continues to last.

Tuesday Nite Special

One evening this shirtless guy busts through the front door and starts screaming at the Circulation Department staff "Puta, Puta, Dial 9-1-1!" Apparently this guy was a 'working man' and had just serviced a gentleman and his friend outside the library near our drive-up window but the two gents failed to pay him for services rendered so he wanted us to call the police to get his hard earned money.

Party Animals

Ever been in a room with a bunch of partying librarians?  It's hilarious.  These people who most think of as meek and mild mannered are some of the most rambunctious, loud and crude party people I've ever been around.  We have our annual library gala coming up (I being a lowly-paid librarian can not afford to attend) but I've heard the drinks flow freely, the karaoke machine gets cranked up and they dance till dawn.

Mute Me

Some people should come with a remote controlled mute button.  We have one particular kid who likes to watch YouTube videos on the public Internet computers.  The only problem is... he gets so excited watching his fire engines and roller coasters that he forgets where he is and starts screaming "It's almost at the top! It's almost at the top!"

Vibrators

Why can't cell phone users remember to turn their phones on vibrate once they enter the library?  I get headaches from all the obnoxiously loud, crude and downright embarrassing ringtones that these people have chosen.  One lady actually had a mans voice screaming "Pick Up the Phone, B*tch!"  

Please Please Please

Doesn't anyone understand the concept of the word Please anymore?  I assume anyone that can read a book or a periodical can read a sign saying "Please Don't Re-shelve Magazines".  Apparently not.  I keep finding magazines in slots that clearly are not labeled for that particular title.  Just lay the magazine down and step away! Is it really that hard?

Snap Crackle Pop

I am in desperate need of a good back crackin' right now.

Something in the Water?

I don't know if there is something in the water around here or if there is a curse on the 3rd floor.  In the last few years we've lost four employees to cancer and one that died after a routine heart procedure.  They all either worked in or around that floor of the library.  Spooky!

Man Joke

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?  Around this library - two.  One to get the bulb, get the ladder, climb the ladder and actually do the replacing and one to stand there and supervise.

It's Right Under Your Nose

Why is it that those exceedingly demanding patrons that come stomping up to the Ref Desk wanting your attention because they can't find a book on the shelf (and spend the trip back to the stacks swearing and belittling you and your library) never offer up an apology when the book is discovered right where it was supposed to be according to call number on the shelf?  Why?  Are they too stubborn to be gracious or they just don't want to admit that they were wrong or that they may need glasses?

Do You Hate Your Children?

I was just adding names from the Sunday local newspaper to our birth index and noticed that some 'crazy' parents have named their child Nymphadora.  Now I ask, why would a parent do that to their child?

A Rose By Any Other Name

Smelly patrons consist of those with typical body odor and hygiene issues as well as those who overcompensate when it comes to splashing on the cologne and perfume in the morning.  I once had a part-timer that poured so much cologne on that I had to avoid him completely when he was at work or I would get migraines.  We asked that he cut back on the stuff but it must have seeped into his skin because the boy just stank! 

Day 12 and Counting

Tech guy still hasn't fixed our #4 Internet computer.  Typical!

UR-N-Analysis

Can people who smell like urine whether human or feline not smell themselves when they leave the house?  We have a lady who visits the library frequently to use the free wifi that absolutely reeks of cat pee.  The smell is so strong it burns your nose.

Dirty Talk

It's bad enough to be cursed at by the general public on a daily basis but it's even worse when you're being cursed at by the library director during your job interview.  Maybe I should have taken it as a sign and refused to work here but a job is a job in a tough economy. So you have to grin and bear it even as Granny Clampett's God-fearing, Sunday keeping, doppleganger curses like a sailor in front of you.

G-String Divas

Hey all future prospective employees...we do have a dress code.  Please learn to follow it so we can avoid any further embarrassing situations.  No more flip flops.  No more g-strings popping out of your low-rider pants. No more six-inch heels. No more super-short skirts.

These things are not conducive to a productive work environment.  You move like a sloth in high heels and all the randier patrons are prompted to come up with excuses to make you bend over whenever you're wearing a short skirt or low rider pants just so they can get a peak at your crack.

Piggy Bank

Why do people come to the public library expecting to pay for a 15 cent photocopy with a $20 bill?  We're not an ATM.  We don't have endless rolls of quarters for the parking meter and we don't hand out free calendars. 

A Little Bit of Excitement

Just had to call an ambulance for a patron that was experiencing shortness of breath.  Two EMTs arrived within minutes but due to her size they soon had to call the fire department for assistance in hoisting her onto the gurney. It took six men to get her squared away. After their arrival she was soon whisked away by ambulance to the local hospital. It wasn't all bad.  As one co-worker pointed out, one of the firemen did have a really cute bum.

It's Pretty Bad When...

Once during our annual employee training day a couple of us were sitting around complaining about our co-workers and I mistakenly opened my mouth and told a truthful tale of how hard it is to work in a department when YOU are the only one not 'highly medicated'.  Unbeknownst to me, the director of an affiliate county library was listening in on the conversation and she looked at me and said "Take the pills honey, take the pills!"

Praise Ye the Lord

There is a guy giving a full on testimonial in the mens restroom right now.  Every couple of seconds you can hear him shout "Praise Jesus" and "Hallelujah".  He must be gearing up for a Wednesday night prayer meeting. Let's hope anyway...

Fergalicious

Does anyone else feel compelled to correct people when they get their pop-culture history wrong?  I don't mean to be rude but it constantly annoys me when someone is deep into a story that they think is meaningful and they get all their facts wrong. 

You Suck

VA sucks a big one!  'Nuff said....

Brain Fade

Is it just me or does anyone else out there have trouble kick-starting their brain the first day back at work after a few days off? 

Information Overload

Do any of you out there have one of those co-workers that has to give you detailed updates about their lives especially when you are busy working on something?  You know the type - they have to tell you what latest fad they're in to, what they did over the weekend, their latest medical drama, or what strange thing their cat coughed up. 

Smokers Anonymous

Why are some smokers so lazy that they can't walk outside to take a smoke break? Why do they feel entitled to sneak into the public restrooms and light up? It's not like you can't tell who did it when there is a smoke trail flowing out the door behind them.  Don't they realize they smell like tobacco 24/7?

Circ Count

We had a patron who had his own website and would call the Ref Desk everyday and ask us to check out a particular url (his, of course) just so he could get more hits.

Sexual Harassment

Why is it when a co-worker says something suggestive and inappropriate it's sexual harassment but when it comes from a patron its only 'flirting'?

Free Speech My A**

Librarians are supposed to be supporters of free speech and all that right?  Well someone forgot to tell that to a few choice ladies that I attended grad school with. We all have those days when laundry is piling up and you grab something from the bottom of the drawer and head out the door. Well it happened to me one morning before class. 

Huh?

Caller: "Can you give me the number for 911?"
Staff: "Ma'am are you having an emergency?"
Caller: "No, but you can you tell me if they charge your phone bill if you dial 911?"

Dazed and Confused

Once upon a time there was this elderly lady who called the library every day and asked "What day is it? and "What year is it?" We later found out that the lady was a dementia patient at a local hospital who somehow managed to call out of her room every day and the only phone number that she could remember was the library's.

Safe and Secure?

How are you supposed to feel safe and secure in your workplace when you repeatedly find the library security guard reading or sitting on a footstool in the stacks rubbing his aching feet? Don't trouble yourself Bob. Just sit back and relax while I deal with this inebriated and verbally abusive patron.

Cool Hand Luke

Heard recently that our favorite one-handed schizophrenic friend found himself featured on the daily jail intake website. Haven't seen him in the library since. Maybe he's finally getting the 'attention' that he has been desperately seeking inside the library. Just one question though... how do you cuff a one-handed man?

Moonlighting

Librarians are pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to professional salaries. I've often been tempted to take on a second career just to make ends meet. With all of the vice that goes on in our library I've seriously contemplated making my own series of thematic porn videos called "Sex in the Stacks".

Book 'em Danno

The local city police usually send one of their officers into the library a couple of times a week to do an outstanding warrant sweep. It's usually a pretty successful venture. There are usually one or two Internet users or people hiding in the remote recesses of the Reference stacks that get hauled away in handcuffs.

Go Away Kid, You Bother Me

Call me crazy but I find it kind of disturbing when people come into the library wanting a statement written out on notebook paper notarized giving custody of their children away to other people.

Down the Hole

Why can't grown people manage to flush the toilet in a public restroom? Are they proud of their deposit and want people to admire their accomplishment and thus show it off? It's gross. Flush the toilet people!

Tap Tap Dorothy

It's Friday.  I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.

Swab the Deck

Does anyone else out there work with a total germ-a-phobe?  One of our employees spends more time in the restroom washing his hands or rubbing on hand sanitizer than he does actually getting his hands dirty doing work around the library.  He'll even spray and clean the telephone and keyboards when it's his turn to staff the Ref Desk. Granted, it's cold and flu season but he does this year round. Is it OCD or is it his way of avoiding work?

Day 6 and Counting

Still waiting on our tech guy to fix whatever is wrong with our #4 computer. One day the keyboard won't work, the next day it's the mouse. It will probably take another whole week for the wizard to pry himself loose from his cozy place behind the curtain to come down to the department and fix it.

Bite Me

I don't know how many of you out there have pets but it's pretty bad when you come home from work covered in flea bites because the patrons have brought them into your library.

Institutional Memory

I don't know why but I always seem to be the one in the department relied upon most for my institutional memory. I'm not the longest serving employee but because I am the most organized, I constantly get asked "Where's this? or What did we do with that?"  I've had phone calls at home on my day off from staff members who can't find a book or a box of something because they are too lazy to look in the catalog or in the storage stacks to find it themselves. 

Hurry Up and Wait

Why is it when you're in a hurry you always end up having to wait for someone else to get ready and they inevitably make you late?  But when they are the ones in a hurry they snap their fingers, roll their eyes and get upset because you're not ready, willing and available to join in on their little adventure at a moments notice.  

Strange Priorities

People around here have a cow when the coffee pot is empty but no one gives a second thought to other things that need replacing.  Staples, tape, toner, paper, forms, envelopes - you name it.  It never seems to be their responsibility to replenish supplies when they are depleted but whoa... if the coffee runs out they have to make an emergency run to Starbucks.  We once had a fire alarm go off and the building had to be evacuated. One employee made sure to save her latte but forgot her purse and keys.

Blowing Smoke and Other Things

Hey all you 'working' women out there...  If you are going to allow yourself to get caught with a client in the men's restroom please come up with a better excuse than 'He needed help pulling his pants down."  No one ever believes that story.

You Be Stressin'

I was once told by my library director during a performance evaluation that I was 'too attentive to detail' and that my so-called 'perfectionism' was stressing out my supervisor because she just couldn't live up to my high standards.  I ask you. Is that really my problem?

Hard Work or Hardly Working?

I volunteered to work one summer in the technical services department processing a new branch library's collection.  It was simple enough.  Copy cataloging item records and pasting them into our catalog system.  I must admit, I was quite good at it.  Maybe too good. 

Some of my fellow (and regular technical service) employees actually told me to "Slow down. You're making the rest of us look bad."  Apparently, I was too adept at my task and was making the whole process take a lot less time than they had anticipated and they didn't want to go back to working on their usual assignments. 

Missing More Than Digits

We have a gentleman that has been visiting the library frequently.  This guy is waaaaay beyond schizophrenic.  He also happens to have just one hand that likes to talk to what used to be his other hand.  They have full blown conversations between 'Mr. Left' and the stump that used to be his right hand.  He'll say things like "Mr. Left is having anxiety today because he thinks that he's gonna end up like 'Mr. Right'."  Unfortunately, 'Mr. Left' got caught man-handling his 'third arm' in the bathroom one day for all to see. 

Don't Mess With Techsss

When I was a part-timer I got yelled at for being too attentive to detail.  I was processing a collection of new encyclopedias and I just happened to notice that the technical services department had placed the call number labels over top of the volume numbers and alphabetical listings on the spine of the encyclopedia set.  That seemed really odd to me so I loaded them back on the truck and took them to the technical services department to have them fix it.  

Just Shoot Me

Have you ever been so tired and distracted that you can't even dress yourself properly?  I'm having one of those days.  Just realized that I've been running around the library all morning with my shirt on inside out. 

Gumption

When I was a part-timer I had gumption.  I hated to be bored so I always asked for extra tasks to perform so I wasn't sitting like a lump at the Ref Desk.  If there were books to be shelved, I shelved them.  If there was shelf-reading to be done, I did it.  I don't know what it is with this new generation but they are sooooo literal.  You have to spell everything out for them these days.  They have no initiative. 

Exception to the Rule

Why is it that certain people always think they are an exception to the rule?  The standards that everyone else is expected to follow at work and in life just don't seem to apply to them. 

To Dot or Not To Dot

Color coding systems are supposed to help you with shelving a collection, right?  Apparently our children's librarian didn't get that memo.  I find it extremely annoying when I journey into that department to retrieve an item wanted for Interlibrary Loan and I can't find what I'm looking for on the shelf. 

Counting My Blessings

Haven't seen "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" in the library for a while.  Thank goodness.  Just don't have the strength to deal with him today.  It's Monday after all.

Captured

Good News!  I've been told the mouse has been captured by the gallant knight Sir Gallahad (aka our trusty maintenance guy).  Thanks!

Miss Jane and the Burglar

Several years ago "Miss Jane's" home was broken into and several items were stolen.  Obviously freaked out by this "Miss Jane" spent a lot of money installing a security system at her house.  Things were going well until a few weeks later when she kept receiving phone calls at work from the security company telling her that the alarm had been tripped at her house.  She rushed home each time only to find that the doors were all securely locked and there was no evidence of tampering with the doors or windows.

Look Out!

Talk about luckless. The aforementioned college student that used to work at the library has the worst luck in the world.  He was hit by an SUV walking to work one day and just last week was struck by another SUV while crossing the street.  Don't worry he's okay but the boy needs to wear a flashing red light on his head or a blaze orange jumper or something.  The poor guy even managed to fall down a man hole once.   

Luckless

Don't know what I did to offend the gods and goddesses of the weekend but seems like every year I'm stuck working Super Bowl Sunday.

Mind Numbing

Have you ever been so bored that you can actually feel your brain atrophy?

Waste Not Want Not

A few years back we employed a down-on-his luck college student. This poor guy didn't have two pennies to rub together and was constantly hungry. I was out in the stacks one day and found a jar of nuts that a patron left behind. I stuck it behind the Ref Desk in case anyone asked for it and a few hours later I noticed it in the trash can. I asked what happened to it and the college student said "I ate it". 

The same student returned from the employee lounge one day and said that he had just finished a really awesome chocolate-mint ice cream cake that someone had left in the freezer.  I looked at him and immediately asked "Do you feel okay?"  He said "Sure, why?"  I then told him that the cake had been left over from a birthday party that another employee had several months earlier.  Unphased by the discovery he replied "It was a little freezer-burned but tasted okay."

Lotto Fever

Some people are just plain gullible and unfortunately they tend to frequent my library.  A few years ago this older woman came to the Ref Desk practically in tears asking to send an international fax.  She was trying to claim her winnings in a Spanish lottery.  She said that she had already paid $5,000 to get the paperwork in order but she still hadn't received her deposit in her bank account. My heart went out to this lady who had obviously been scammed.

Need A Lift?

"Miss Jane" was planning a car trip out-of-state so she took her car in to be serviced. Since she didn't have a ride home one of the servicemen offered her a lift.  On the ride home she was engaged in chit-chat with the driver and told him that she was going on vacation for a week and was going out-of-state to visit her family. 

Then halfway home she realized that she forgot to give them her spare car key and instead had given them her keychain with all of her keys on it.  The driver asked if she wanted him to turn around and she said "No, that's okay. There is a window on my front porch that doesn't close all the way.  My inside door isn't locked so I should be able to crawl inside and get into my house that way." 

Calamity Jane Rides Again

Was informed when I arrived this morning that the library failed to close at the usual time last night because the staff was heavily involved in a search. "Miss Jane" had lost her keys for the one hundredth time.  She wasn't found sleeping in the library overnight so I think I'm safe in assuming that she ultimately did find her keys.

The same "Miss Jane" had called the Ref Desk a few nights before and requested that a staff member search the refrigerator in the employee lounge because she had misplaced her ipod. How it would have found it's way into the frig we'll never know. Fortunately, she later found it in the pocket of her bath robe. 

Hapless Helpless Hopeless

Have you ever given someone a task to complete along with simple instructions and they still can't do the job?  I asked one of our part-timers if they could mail back an Interlibrary Loan book for me.  I gave them the mailing label, the envelope and the tape.  I went on about my business but what seemed like an eternity later, I looked over and they still hadn't put the book in the outgoing mail.  I literally had to walk over and show them how to open the envelope, put the book inside, seal the envelope, put the mailing label on the outside and put tape on it to tack it down and I even threw in a couple of staples to make sure the package was secure and placed it in the outgoing mail box.  They just looked at me dumbfounded.

Mayberry V.F.D.

Libraries are traditionally thought of as quiet places of sweet repose where people can go to read and research in relative peace. Not so fast. I come from a very small town in a largely rural county so growing up we had a very small public library located on the second floor of the city building on the corner near Main Street. Prime location, right?  

What Were They Thinking?

I'm no architect but I think it's only common sense that a handicap-accessible restroom should ultimately be handicap-accessible.  Case in point. One of our branch libraries has two sets of bathrooms. There are mens and womens restrooms on the main floor of the library and another set that are located up three or four steps on a landing in the rear portion of the library building.  Guess which ones are the handicap-accessible set?  

Just the Fax Ma'am

A couple of years ago we noticed a rash of people coming to the Ref Desk asking to fax their driver's license to an out-of-state fax number. Now normally we wouldn't pay attention to such things and would respect our patrons privacy but the coincidence was just too great not to arouse suspicion when several people (who looked and acted strung out on something) during the course of a single day asked to fax the same stuff to the same number. 

The Snapper

We get a variety of weirdos in the library. Everything from guys staring at women and fondling themselves under the tables to men following women around the library taking pictures of them bending over. The most brazen of late was a guy who would approach women browsing in the stacks, reach out and grab their bra straps and snap them. What's up with that?

Shut the Door Man

What is it with men and public restrooms?  They leave them a mess.  They are always locking the key inside and they have a bad habit of not washing their hands before they leave.  One gentleman didn't even bother shutting the door while he was relieving himself.  A group of blue-haired grannies who were in for their weekly bridge club meeting got a full monty view of this guy while he was weeing in the loo.  Was he an exhibitionist or simply too lazy to pull the door shut?

Public Access vs. Personal Safety

What is it with some library directors?  I know they want to provide access to the public but at what cost to their employees?  We have kept the doors open during fire, flood, ice storms, blackouts, water and sewer outages.  At what point does public access override the well-being of your employees?

Off With Her Head

You never know who or what you will encounter on a daily basis in the library. I was picking up stray books and noticed a man wandering aimlessly around the biography section. I asked the gentleman if he needed any help and he asked to see a book about King James 'the man who wrote the Bible'. 

History Report

Why do people who have never had a credit card, a bank or car loan want a credit history check?  This woman was using the public Internet terminals and was getting audibly frustrated with the computer.  I went over to see what the issue was and found that she was trying to get her credit report online.  Only she didn't have a credit card to pay for the supposedly free credit report.  She was trying to use her public assistance issued debit card to pay online. 

Hello Dolly!

When people come to the Ref Desk wanting to use the public Internet terminals we automatically assume that they know how to type and can use a mouse. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.  A very nice older woman came in one day asking for help accessing one of the more notorious dating websites that advertise on television.  

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

Shhh...  We have our very own Lord Voldemort.  A certain obnoxious, tiresome and down-right troublesome patron is known to suddenly appear in the library the moment his name is said out loud.

Mouse Hunt

Well I can finally add 'rat catcher' to my curriculum vitae under additional skills.  Apparently some patron thinks it is funny to release mice inside the library.  For the last two days small white mice have been seen scurrying through the reference collection stacks. Guess we need our own "Dewey the Library Cat" to live in the library at night and catch all the vermin (both the four and two-legged varieties).

Attachment Issues

"How do I attach this document to an email?"  Sounds like a simple enough question until you look over to the public Internet terminals and see a patron trying to stuff an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper into the cd-rom drive.

Missed Manners

Why do people think it is okay to burp, fart, sneeze, cough, drool, spit and breathe on people working at the Ref Desk?

Cookie's Fortune

Had some chinese food the other day and received what I think is the simplest, yet most profound fortune "Common sense is not so common." 

Censorship

When I was an undergrad and working at the public library I had a mother come to the circulation desk and yell at me for letting her homeschooled child check out raunchy paperback novels. I quickly called for the branch manager and she politely pointed out that we did not censure or censor what people checked out of the library and that she as a parent had the ultimate responsibility to make sure that her children were reading what she considered appropriate.

The Plague

Every year I get someone at the Ref Desk who needs a picture of the plague for their child's classroom assignment.  What they can't tell me is what century or country it occurred in and better yet what color of the plague they are looking for.  Do they want black, white, yellow or red?

Homework Help for Seniors

Why is it that parents don't make their children do their own research anymore?  Are their kids too busy playing video games, playing sports or playing an instrument?  Are their schedules too jam-packed to make time to come to the library and research their own homework assignments?

Watch Out

People are all up in arms about texting and driving.  Well how about people who can't seem to walk and text at the same time?  Why can't they stop, sit and concentrate on what they are doing?  I can't count the number of times that I have been run over or run into by someone in the library, in a store, or walking down the street with their head down and fingers flailing away.  Look up people and look out for others.  Please...

Five-and-Dime

Why do people think the Ref Desk is a five-and-dime store?  We don't sell pencils, notebook paper, calculators, tampons, envelopes, or stamps.  We also don't hand out free tissues or hand lotion to the general public.  That's what toilet paper is for and it's freely available in our restrooms not behind the Ref Desk.

Don't Run for This 'Borders'

I don't know why but people are always asking if the library will sell them our materials. We are a lending institution. The books are free if you have a library card. We are not a book store.  We don't sell books.  That is unless you fail to return them, lose them or damage them.  In that case, if you break it you bought it!

Who Do You Think You Are?

I don't know what it is about this town or this library but I've never met a group of people, old or young, rich or poor, that feel like that are entitled to everything.  Whether it be a free photocopy or checking out a non-circulating reference book, the people and their audacity just amaze me.

The Green Mile

Why is it that whenever you are called into the Director's office it feels like you've been summoned to the electric chair?  The funeral march starts playing in your head and everything gets all tunnel-vision even when you're not the one in trouble. Hmm?