Miss-A-Prop-riate

'Miss Jane' gave a presentation recently at a statewide library conference.  It was supposed to be a panel discussion along with two others but when one person failed to show up "Miss Jane" rose to the occasion and pulled out some props that she brought from home.  In addition to her meager PowerPoint presentation she brought an old Hardy Boys mystery and an early library bulletin for show-and-tell.


Needless to say the throngs attending weren't exactly thrilled with the presentation and she had a few drop-outs in the middle of her prepared speech.  Hope she learns from her mistakes because I've been told that she's been asked to expand on the topic for the big state conference this fall. Sometimes scatterbrained literally makes people scatter. 

Cheese-A-Holic

Just had the best pimento cheese sandwich for lunch.  Mmmm Mmmm good!

Ring A Ding Ding Ernestine

Why do people always migrate towards my desk when they want to have a 'private' cell phone call?  Can't you see I'm busy working?  I don't want to hear about your child, your ex-boyfriend or your bill collector.  Go find a private corner away from me and other people to sit and chat.  Please...

Calgon, Where Are You?

I think I'm having one of those Calgon, take me away days.  I'm afraid if I stop working I won't be able to get started again.  Low energy. Need sleep.  All I want to do is curl up in the back of the stacks or under my desk and take a long nap.  George Costanza sure had the right idea!

Keep On Truckin'

I am in desperate need of a real book truck.  This mail cart has open spaces and the book ends keep slipping through and all my books keep falling over.  I hate wasting time righting everything every time I go to grab a new book to process.

Rain Rain Go Away

Another dark and dreary day at the library.  Need some sunshine.  Hey Mr. Weatherman send us some rays of light not storm clouds.

Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

Another thing I really can't stand is when people add their own notes to the margins of books.  Why do you bother returning a damaged book to the library?  No one cares about your opinion.  Keep it to yourself!

Slice and Dice

It really bugs me when people take it upon themselves to cut pictures out of books.  Are they too lazy or too cheap to make a photocopy or do they think they are privileged and deserve a copy of the real thing?  Put away your knives and scissors and pull out your wallet and make a photocopy for a change.

Lady Liberty?

I had a person, not sure if it was a man or a woman, jump out in the street and run across in front of my car dressed like the Statue of Liberty.  Had the green robe, had the crown, the sceptre, everything.  Don't know where they were going or what the heck they were doing. 

szechuan dreams update

Okay, I think I am officially foundered on the sesame noodles.  After eating them just about everyday for lunch for the last week, the sodium is starting to give me a headache.  It was good while it lasted though.

Honey-Do Lists, Perhaps?

Saw a curious thing the other day while sitting outside the local Starbucks, a man pulled up and parked his SUV and quickly ran inside to fulfill his caffeine fix.  I looked over and saw an extraordinary number of post it notes of all colors, shapes and sizes stuck to the inside of the driver side windshield.  How could someone possibly see out of the window to drive much less function with a bunch of words on scraps of paper circling their line of vision?  Were they honey-do reminders or driving directions?  Put key in ignition, turn key, put car into gear, put foot on gas, etc.?

Serial Killaz

Can anyone else out there instinctively recall exact call numbers for certain types of books when asked?  I always get curious looks when the criminal justice students from the local college come in wanting to do a research paper on serial killers and I automatically rattle off 364.1523 (the true crime section).

A Walk In 'Her' Shoes

"Miss Jane" came up to me once and casually asked what size shoe I wear.  I didn't give it a moments thought and responded but then she offered to give me a pair of mens shoes that were too small for her.  I thanked her for the offer but told her that I don't usually wear mens shoes, a t-shirt maybe, but definitely not shoes.  She apparently has a size 11 foot and often wears mens hand-me-downs from her friend the former male A.D.  They seem to have the same shoe size and exchange shoes quite often.  I just wonder if he wears her high-heels too?

T.M.I.

Have you ever worked with someone who has no qualms about discussing the most intimate details of their life in full earshot of the public?  Whether it be their current bowel obstruction, sinus infection, PMS symptoms or their sex life (or lack thereof) some people just don't know the meaning of the word discretion.

Room With A View

I never relized how much difference there was in working in my little office closet and actually working in a room with a window where you could actually see outside and not just the building across the street.

Nell Carter 911

How can someone work in a library for two years and not know what a book truck is? Or what label protectors are or how to use a label printer?  Gimme a break!

M.L.S.

Any good librarian should know that M.L.S. stands for Masters in Library Science not Masters in Laziness and Stupidity.

Supply Catalogs

Don't you just love ordering office supplies?  When the boxes arrive and you get to open them it's like Christmas. 

szechuan dreams

I have a new obsession.  I went down to the cafeteria for lunch today and found a real gem on the salad bar.  It's some kind of sesame noodles.  Just noodles in a dark sauce with shredded carrots, a little bit of scallions and sesame seeds sprinkled on top.  Now I will have to venture over to the 641.5's and find a recipe. Absolutely yummy!

Basic Instincts

How can you call yourself a library when you don't have the basic tools of the trade? No book trucks? No label makers? No book ends?  As Scarlet O'Hara's Mammie once said "It ain't fittin, it just ain't fittin!"

New Faces

Why does someone always come up to the new person in a department and ask a difficult question?  Do they do it on purpose to try and stump you or do they base it on looks alone?  Do I have a more authoritative look about me than my co-worker or are they just targeting and testing out the newbie?

Lord of the Rings

What is it with coffee drinkers leaving their coffee rings behind on tables, desktops, and workspaces?  Don't they notice the big, brown ring that they leave behind when they pick up their cup or is it that they just don't care?  I bet they were the same kids that their moms had to pick up a trail of dirty clothes all over their rooms when they were growing up too. C'mon people, clean up after yourselves.

Sludge

I think I spend most of my days going along behind 'Miss Jane' and picking her nasty, sludge infested coffee cup up off of my workspace and putting it back onto hers.  She drinks the same cup of coffee every day.  She will take a few sips then sit it down somewhere and forgets where she puts it and then when she remembers the coffee is cold so instead of dumping it and pouring a fresh cup she just pops it into the microwave.  


This heat and re-heat action builds up about a quarter of an inch of dark, nasty sludge in the bottom of her mug.  Then when she leaves for the weekend she leaves a full cup of coffee in the mug and by Monday morning there is a green film growing on top.  Totally gross.

Library Confessional

I am a pen hoarder.  I cleaned out my desk the other day and found all the lost pens that I have accumulated over the years. What is the penance for that one?

Dumpster Diver

The ex-Reference Librarian used to like to collect pop cans for recycling.  The only problem was she left a mound of used aluminum cans under her desk which kept spilling out and tripping her co-workers.  Plus the sugary stuff left behind attracted bugs so the Ref Dept workroom often had to be fumigated.  

Busy Beavers

What is it with smokers and their bad habit of gnawing on pens and pencils? I've worked with a few over the years who have practically eaten an entire box of pen caps and have left enough DNA behind on the gnarled pencils to satisfy any CSI wannabe. Get a patch, take a pill, chew some gum, do something just stop eating my pens!

Air Quality Control

It's so nice to finally work in a library where the smell of urine, feces, alcohol, vomit, farts, mold, and dust don't permeate the air on a daily basis.  

Nature vs. Nurture

Why do people with small children in strollers refuse to use the public Internet terminals on the children's floor?  You would think it would be a more attractive opportunity because there are games and toys to keep the kids occupied and less bored but no.  They insist on staying on the adult floors and allowing their kids to screech and holler and disturb all the other adults who are trying to read, research and surf the Internet.  Is it pure self-interest or do they think if they ignore their children's needs long enough the kids just might disappear?

New Day New You

A new day.  Another new adventure.

May I See Your Library Card?

Sounds like a simple enough question for a simple enough task but not always.  A co-worker of mine asked to see a guy's library card so she could sign him onto a public Internet terminal and the guy practically did a strip tease in front of her.  He stood at the Ref Desk, unhooked his belt, unzipped his pants only to expose another pair of pants that he was wearing backwards.  He then took his hand and shoved it down the back of his pants and pulled out a wallet.  He opened the wallet and finally flashed his library card. My co-worker and I just kind of looked at each other in bewilderment.  Did he have it stashed between his butt cheeks or something? 

National Geographic

Why do so many people hoard old issues of National Geographic magazine?  We get calls just about every week wanting to know if we accept donations of old magazines.  We do, but only for our Friends book sale.  I would say nine out of ten times the magazines being donated are thirty years worth of Nat Geo.  If you don't want them anymore what makes you think other people do?  Donate them to a prison library where the inmates will appreciate all the tribal nudity.

Take It Outside

Why do people start arguments on the street and then bring their brawls inside the public library?  We are not a safe haven for street thugs.  If you need assistance call 911. Don't cower in the library stacks.  We had two gentleman feuding out on the front steps and they brought their argument inside to the public Internet terminals only to drag it into the stacks which were quickly toppled once the shoving match started.  Take it outside people!

Pornucopia

Do people not check the insides of books before they put them in the library book drop?  I've found some rather peculiar items.  One person left us a XXX porn dvd entitled Knocking International Booty Volume IV and another stashed some porno mags inside the contractor's exam books.  

Bathtub Delights

Why do people who damage books bother to return them to the library?  They should realize that they are going to have to replace the item anyway so why bother sneaking it back into the book drop (like we don't know it was you who checked it out in the first place).  This is especially true of some trashy paperback romance novels that get dropped into the bubble bath and then swell to the size of War and Peace.  

Farm Fresh

We have this elderly gentleman that likes to come in and check his stock options at the library.  He's very friendly but it's always a totally one-sided conversation.  He'll tell you about his health, his wife, her health, the latest cruise that they went on, etc. but he never asks about you and your life.  But whenever you try to interject something into the conversation he gives you a look like "Why are you interrupting me?"  

10 ?

Okay, now I've seen everything.  I saw a 65+ year old woman with Bo Derek corn rows. Yikes! 

Doctor's Rx

The 'Doctor' came up to the Ref Desk to complain about the bathroom key chain.  Yes, the key chain.  He didn't like the fact that the key chain was made of wood.  It is porous material you see and he's concerned about the spread of germs.  While I'm more concerned about the fact that the key chain went from a simple block of wood with the word Men's on it to a an 16" plank of wood to prevent men from sticking it in their back pocket and walking out the door with it.  


We once had a nearby business call to tell us that someone had taken our bathroom key and left it at their establishment.  You want to know how they knew it was ours?  I had to put stickers on them that said "Please return to 2nd Floor Reference Desk" because it had a bad habit of growing feet and walking out the door.

Bio Hazard

I don't know how our maintenance staff does it. They find anything and everything in our public restrooms from used needles to dirty underwear to blood to feces smeared on the floor, walls and sink. They need hazmat suits just to clean the toilet bowl every morning.

Technical Assistance

Talk about signage, during cold and flu season I had to post instructions (with photos) on how to properly wash your hands.  I know it worked because people started coming to the desk and asking to use hand sanitizer just like in the photographs. But I still can't keep the public from burping, farting, sneezing, coughing and spitting on me, other staff members and the commonly shared equipment.  There is just no accounting for basic manners.

Operating Manual

I don't know what it is about men but they can never seem to follow through with directions.  They always leave out a step or try to go it on their own and improvise.  I spent an entire day opening the bathroom door for different gentleman because they couldn't figure out that not only did you need to put the key in the lock but you also had to turn the knob in order to get it to open.  I literally had to put a sign with directions on it beside the bathroom door.  "Insert key, turn the knob to the right and pull open." Duh!

Time to Celebrate

I had a 'Doctor' and 'Headbanger' free day yesterday.  Good times!

Seeking Mr. Right

I always tell my female relatives that say they are into online dating to travel down to the local library and check out the fellas on the public Internet computers before they engage in a lengthy online romance.  Besides, you have to ask yourself what hard-working man has the time to sit and chat all day?  Either he's a slacker at work and spends all his time surfin' for porn, playing interactive pool tournaments and seeking adventurous 'like-minded' ladies or he's unemployed and has nothing better to do during normal working hours.  He's a real winner either way.

Rappin' Rodney

Have you ever experienced this?  You know certain people and have worked with them for over ten years, you have seen them everyday but they can't seem to remember your name?  Is it me?  Do I not make a lasting impression or are they too preoccupied with themselves to learn your name or muchless how to spell it?  I received a cake today with well wishes on it but my name was spelled wrong. It didn't stop them from showing up and eating it with me but there it was in big green letters spelled all wrong. C'mon people!  I feel like Rodney Dangerfield.  I just can't get no respect.

Burnin' Down the House

Or in this case, the library?  Some stupid smoker completely ignored the cigarette butt container outside and threw their lit butt into the new mulch under the bushes out front and started a small fire.  Some good samaritan came along and noticed the flames and threw even more mulch on top in an attempt to extinguish the flames but it had the reverse affect.  Finally two staff members had to take two buckets of water to douse the fire.

Crack-A-Holics

Well the new spring temps have brought out the hoards of flip-flops and low-riders into the library. It's a whole new start to the season of hairy backs protruding from inside wife-beater t-shirts and buttcracks and muffin-tops flowing from the mini-skirts and daisy-duke wearing patrons that is when they can be bothered to wear actual clothing at all.  Sometimes they just show up in house slippers and flannel pjs.

Not the Brightest Bulb

A lady came up to the Ref Desk today holding a spotty piece of paper.  She claimed that the photocopier didn't print her document.  A co-worker went to check the photocopier and I asked her if she was trying to copy it from the tray on top or on the glass.  She gave me a befuddled look and said "I'm trying to copy it from the Internet" and then she added "You're machine said to add change so I put in 15 cents but I only have 10 cents left so I can't make another copy". 

I pointed out to her that the "printer" that is attached to the public Internet computers was to her left and that she was trying to print her copies from the Internet to the coin-operated photocopier on her right.  Luckily her free page of the day had printed automatically to the laser printer but I still don't think she got the difference in machinery.

Where's the Pole?

We have a few female employees that like to sacrifice comfort for fashion. They show up to work in 6" inch 'stripper' heels.  I take one look at them and my back and feet start to ache.  I don't know how they do it.  Better yet, why do they do it?  Their feet are under the desk all day.  They don't work in public areas so no one is around to admire their footwear.  How do you drive a car with heels like that?  I just don't get it.

Minty Fresh

"Miss Jane" if you haven't already figured it out is a little on the naive side.  So when we found a big bottle of mouthwash stashed in the men's restroom she automatically assumed that one our daily visitors had been keeping up with their hygiene.  We tried to explain to her that alcoholics will drink anything that contains alcohol when they can't get their hands on the real thing and they had probably stashed it in the library before they went to the City Mission for lunch. 

Strange Brew

One of my co-workers has an open admirer among the male patronage at the library.  He brings her little gifts, candy, birthday cards, and the like.  One day she and a friend went to the local YWCA to exercise and unwind after a hard day at the Ref Desk.  They finished their workout and decided to go soak their weary bones in the hot tub.  She climbs in, closes her eyes and hears someone utter her name.  She opens her eyes, looks over and there he is sitting right beside her in the hot tub.  Ewww!  Can you say stalker?

Burn Baby Burn

I get so tired of telling the brats, and I do mean brats, that like to run in the library to "Slow down before you fall down".  But I must admit I do get a bit of a perverse thrill when they trip and fall down on the carpet and get a real bad rug burn.  I must confess... it does bring a smile to my face.

The Lost Boys

I once had a co-worker who kept a sign over her desk that said "Any child found wandering alone in the library will be sold as slaves".  At first I thought it odd but after encountering so many obnoxious kids that had been dumped at the library by their parents for a free baby-sitting service I started to see the logic behind it.

Pick A Card

We once caught a fortune teller who set up shop in our local history room reading tarot cards.  She couldn't understand why she wasn't allowed to peddle her wares in the nice, quiet, and secluded local history room so she came back the next day and set up shop near the circulation desk.

Smelly Situation

I had to bar one of our regular inebriated gentleman from the local history room because he kept crawling under the tables and falling asleep.  We keep box fans in the room to help cool the air on particularly stuff days and he would use them as his own personal cooling devices.  He would turn the fan on himself and crawl under the table and make a nice nest and settle down for a long winters nap.  Once we found him we made him move but his stench had permeated the books and surrounding furniture so the collection ended up smelling like him for days.

Forty Winks

Our security guard had to escort one of the inebriated out of the building the other only to later find him leaning on a car (mine, of course) in the staff parking garage.  When he told him he needed to move on, the guy asked "Can't I just lean on this car for a while?" 

Beauty Salon

"Miss Life" used to come in a lot and monopolize our public restroom and telephone.  We caught her several times sitting on the floor eating her cereal and a few times she had cut her hair and clogged the toilet with her trimmings. She finally got some housing assistance and moved out of the public park so now she calls us occasionally for phone numbers and general reference questions.  

Laundry Room

Caught one of our regular visitors "Miss Life" drying her socks on the radiator after washing her laundry in our public restroom.  She had them all nice and sorted by color lined up along the heat register back in the corner of the library.  I told her that she could not use our restrooms for a laundromat and she needed to put those things away and she replied "But they're not dry yet."

P.D.A.'s

Public displays of affection... Why do people think others enjoy watching them swap spit in the middle of the library?  It's one thing to give someone a hug hello or a quick peck on the cheek but a full-on makeout session that only grosses other people out and makes them uncomfortable is totally inappropriate for public spaces especially when you are sitting a foot away from the amorous duo. Get a room!

Are You Stupid?

Why do people who get caught bringing food and drink into the library when it is specifically spelled out that such activity is not allowed automatically take a big swig from their cup or try and wolf down whatever it is they are munching on instead of putting it away or taking it outside?  The no eating in the library part is implied you know.

Do You Want A Piece Of Me?

I can't get any work done today because everyone is pestering me.  "Where do we keep this?"  "What do I do with that?"  "Why do we put that there?"  Grow a brain people.  Figure it out yourself.  I am not your institutional memory.

Do Less

I had to work lunch shift with "Mr. Sarcasm" for the first time yesterday.  I don't think I've met a more do less person in my life.  He spent the entire hour complaining about his demotion.  He's actively seeking other employment but he can't keep his mouth shut during interviews.  He uses sarcasm when answering potential employer questions.  Is this man stupid or just a masochist?  He wants to leave and we all want to see him gone as well.

Need A Lift

Our staff elevator has been on the fritz for the last two days.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  The building is over thirty years old and the elevators that they installed were already used.  Guess that's what you get when you pay top dollar for 'quality material'. 

Picnic Interruptus

Two ladies were caught eating a big bag of Steak Escape takeout in the library yesterday.  When confronted by a staff member and told that they needed to take their food outside the building, they replied "It's okay, we're not here to look at books."

All Hail the gods of Bandwidth

"Cat pee lady" is complaining because her Internet connection is slow.  I told her that there is nothing I can do about it since we are on a statewide server.  She didn't like that explanation so if any of you out there pray to the Internet gods please ask them to speed up our Wifi connection.

Tea Break

My favorite reference question of the day was asked by a caller who was as usual asking for 'a friend'.  He wanted to know what drink made with lemonade and tea was named after a famous golfer.  The answer is two-fold.  If it's just lemonade tea it's called an Arnold Palmer but if you put alcohol in it then it is called a John Daly.

I Wish It Were Barney Fife

I don't think our new security guard is going to work out.  Besides trying to heat up and eat his tv dinner at the Ref Desk, he's developed a phobia of the elevator so his travel between floors is limited and he has spent the last twenty minutes logged in to one of the public Internet terminals trying to watch the local news.

Nazi Guy

The Hitler enthusiast was back in again today only this time he was a little on the rowdy side so he was asked to leave the library by our security guard.  He didn't manage to go far.  He just moved his conversation out to the sidewalk.  Unfortunately for him someone didn't like what he was saying so they called 911 and asked for him to be removed.

Irony or Stupidity?

There is a rather peculiar gentleman that has been frequenting the library a lot lately.  He's loud, crude, rude and impossible to talk to.  He wears headphones but the music coming out of them is so loud that he screams instead of taking them off so he can hear what you are saying. He constantly tries to engage the Ref Desk staff in conversations about Mein Kampf and Hitler.  He's a real Hitler devotee.  


He showed up today with swastikas drawn all over his t-shirt with the word "Injun" scribbled above them.  He's constantly asking for books on the subject of Nazi Germany but I don't know if he actually reads them or not. The ironic thing is... he's African-American. Now, it's been a while since I studied 20th century European history but I seem to recall that Hitler wasn't exactly fond of black people.  Weren't they persecuted and brutalized by the Nazi regime too?  

Out of Sight Out of Mind

A guy came up to the Ref Desk today and asked if we had seen anyone carrying a black laptop around.  That pretty much describes most laptops that come in to the library.  Apparently he left his back in the far corner of the library while he went to the restroom and when he returned the laptop was gone.  We searched the stacks but by the time we were notified of the theft the culprit was already gone. The A.D. called 9-1-1 and an officer was supposed to come in and fill-out a report but they ended up taking his report over the phone.  So much for community policing...

Too Much Reality TV

Parents are watching too much reality tv these days.  I'm sitting here indexing the latest list of birth announcements from the local newspaper and I've counted at least three babies named after reality tv stars.  I also index the obituaries so I see a lot of people that were named after notable people like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and such.  How are parents going to explain to their offspring where their names came from?  No "Tinley" you weren't named after great-grandma.  Your name came from one of the loser contestants on the The Bachelorette. 

Let Your Fingers Do the Walking

A couple of years ago we had a guy who would call the library and tie up all the phone lines.  He would call one line and then another and another eventually tying up all five of our phone lines. We couldn't call out and no one else could call in.  We tried every trick in the book from *69 to not hanging up to get him to stop.  Eventually we had the number blocked but not before he called the library while a police officer was there filling out a complaint form so I handed the phone to the officer so he could talk directly to the guy and the guy just hung up and called 9-1-1. He kept them tied up for a while which is a criminal offense.  


They eventually figured out that the guy was mentally disturbed.  He had a caretaker that was supposed to be monitoring him and his behavior (he'd been known to harass other people before) but every time the caretaker would fall asleep he would jump on the phone and start dialing.

Hill Street Blues

"Frank", one of regular characters used to come in and borrow a couple of quarters to use the pay phone.  Now, we don't normally hand out change to panhandlers but he was an exception.  After a particularly long day of hanging outside and drinking himself senseless, "Frank" would compose himself enough to call a taxi to take him 'to the hill' to the State mental facility so he could get a good night's sleep and sober up.

Heavy Breather

We have one male patron that likes to call and talk to certain women that work in the library. He likes to keep them tied up on the phone asking tediously obnoxious questions just so he can listen to their voices and play with himself on the other side of the line. The ladies can hear him moaning and breathing heavy on the line but the guy just won't 'get off' and the ladies are too polite or too shocked to just hang up. 

Wrong Number

I know I've harped on the whole schizophrenics and caller id thing before but why do people return phone calls when they know that they don't know the person calling or recognize the number on the caller i.d.?  I don't get it.  Why can't they just let it go?


I had a woman call the Ref Desk the other day all upset because someone called and left several messages on her answering machine from our library regarding tax forms.  I assumed they were returning a call about a question that she had but she insisted that she didn't know us, didn't call us, or need to know anything about anything. So why call us back?  

Sexy Beast

When I was working at the library part-time I used to jump at the chance to come in and get more hours. Sometimes I would even work sick just to get a bigger paycheck. Stupid, I know.  My head has been so stuffed up at times that my voice gets all husky like Jack Klugman on the phone but that never stops some men from calling the Ref Desk and saying "Man you've got a sexy voice!" Sometimes I want to croak back in my most seductive strainings "And a nice, big, red, runny nose to go with it." How's that for sexy you perv?

21st Century Ideas

"Miss Jane" came back from a library conference with a new idea on how to keep people from falling asleep in the library... play music all day.  I guess she forgot that a library is traditionally supposed to be a quiet place for study and repose.  The only problem was the music that they selected (classical) not only aided the public in falling asleep but some staff members tended to doze off as well.

Ride 'Em Cowgirl

"Miss Jane" definitely has her own sense of fashion.  Heck, most of the time the public can't decide whether to address her as Miss or Mister at the Ref Desk but that doesn't keep her from experimenting with her fashion statements. She has a western outfit that consists of a long denim skirt, cowboy boots and red cowboy hat and then she goes to the other extreme and wears her Michael Jackson hat and shiny glove to the annual in-service training day.  She likes to keep us guessing.

Sexual Chocolate

A rather funny, yet inebriated gentleman came in one day and asked for help finding books on psychics. He claimed that he had been having premonitions that later came true and he was convinced that he had the psychic ability.  He told me that I would find me a real good man that would treat me nice and then casually asked if I liked 'sexual chocolate'? Since the gentleman was African-American I soon got the gist of his question. Still playing along, I said "How 'bout giving me some lucky lottery numbers?"  He said, "Oh no ma'am, that wouldn't be ethical".

Well Read?

We have certain books that never get checked out of the library but yet they have a lot of 'in-house' circulation counts.  Want to hazard a guess what the subject matter is?  It involves men dressing liking women.  Guess some people are curious but too embarrassed to check out certain material while others permanently borrow items that they feel are inappropriate for others to read like the Qur'an.  Don't know whether to blame the right-wing fanatics or the curiosity seekers on that front.  Every time there is a flare up in the right wing press all of our alternative religion books seem to disappear from the shelves.

Banned For Life

Our library director has a weird set of priorities when it comes to determining who is eligible for a lifetime ban from the library.  You name it - our staff can be cursed at, spit on, physically threatened, stalked, sexually harrassed, but none of that is good enough to get someone banned from the library.  In my tenure, the only person to ever be banned for life was a guy that they caught taking a pocket knife and cutting the fabric on the library furniture. They deemed him 'crazy'.

A Real Nail Biter

During another jaunt down the aisles doing pick up I kept finding fingernails dispersed throughout the 800s.  The weird thing was, they weren't all in the same pile.  It was like some 'lady?' just went merrily through the stacks peeling off her fake fingernails and leaving them deposited in the shelves and on the floor. What kind of nervous habit is that?

Victoria's 'Not So' Secret

While doing pick up one day I found a black and purple lace bra in the study cubicles.  I picked it up and placed it in our lost and found box and the next day it managed to grow legs and find its way to one of the public Internet terminals. 

Hiding In Plain Site

Our circulation department is the like the front lines in battle.  They're supposed to stop people from bringing food and drink, large bags or groceries into the library but unfortunately the circulation staff has not been the most observant or diligent set of people in the last couple of years. 


Case in point...how do you not notice a guy who looks like Grizzly Adams wearing a huge backpack with a bed roll, pots and pans, a hatchet and big bowie knife hanging off his belt? He may as well have had a neon sign over his head flashing 'serial killer'. Well they did. Not a single person downstairs saw or heard this guy lumber up the stairs with the pots and pans banging against his legs.  Good grief!

Last Request

I don't know why but all the craziness seems to happen on my evening to work. We were quite busy at the Ref Desk one evening when all of a sudden this guy comes through the front door and announces that there is a guy sitting on the roof of a building across the street threatening to jump so what do all the people on the public Internet computers do?  They all file out in to the street to watch.  The police were there trying to talk him down and the fire-fighters were on standby with their ladder truck.  It really was quite a production.

Hot Pursuit

While covering a lunch shift at the Ref Desk one day it was hard not to notice three guys with guns on their belts come running through the front door and up the central staircase.  Two broke away and started searching the stacks and one guy just stopped and started looking around.  I asked if we could help him find anything and he said "Did you see a guy in a dark hoodie come running into the library?" 


Well, that describes about half of the twenty-something males that come into our library on a daily basis but I figured this wasn't the time for a witty comeback considering they were armed and dangerous. He then asked if there were any other stairwells in the building and I pointed out the two in the opposite corners of the library and the guy took off in a flash.


These guys turned out to be Federal Marshals who were escorting a guy to court when he apparently decided quite suddenly that he didn't want to go to court that day so he jumped out of their car at the red light in front of the library and fled.  

Drive-Thru Service

I was having a hard day at work so I decided to take my lunch out to my car to get a break from the phones, the  Ref Desk and 'Miss Jane'. While sitting there I looked over and noticed a guy standing in the rear doorway of the local Hibachi restaurant.  He stood there for a while then took out his cell phone and made a quick call.  About five minutes later a girl in a green car pulls up, he leans in and takes out a small black bag and then she drives off.  


Two guys come strolling down the alley, walk up, hand him some money and he whips out two small plastic bags with a white, rock-like substance from the black bag.  They exchange a few pleasantries and then head on down the alley. The guy then makes another phone call and the girl in the green car returns and he tosses her the black bag and she drives away.  He then returns inside the Hibachi restaurant. 


I guess his 'smoke-break' was over.

Dancing In the Streets

I once pulled into the staff parking lot, opened my car door and stepped out to find a pair of men's dirty underwear lying beside the driver's door.  I found out later that they belonged to "Frank", one of our regular characters who had been driven to the 'Hill' (the State sanitarium in town) after he stripped naked and started splashing around and dancing in the fountain outside the library. It was rather hot that day and he felt like taking a dip.

Not So Secret Admirers

Every once in a while the ladies at the Ref Desk receive little gifts from the men at large.  One guy left a large stuffed dog, another roses, yet another candy bars.  It's a nice touch but you always have to wonder "What did I do to deserve this?"

Ants in Your Pants

Have you ever been stuck sitting still for a really long time and realize that you need to use the bathroom but you can't get up or move that much to relieve the pressure so the pressure keeps building and building and you start to squirm in your seat and then your legs literally start to quiver? 

Recycling Center?

When the local characters manage to sneak their booze into the library what compells them to leave the empty bottles behind?  It's not like they leave them stashed under tables or in the trash cans. They instead stash them behind books, on top of shelves or in any crack or crevice they find in the library.  Do they think their benefitting us by allowing us to collect the recycling fees as some sort of library 'donation' or are they too drunk to find the trash can?

I'm So Proud I Could Burst

I made new bright yellow signs to put on the bottom of the stacks that say "Please Do Not Reshelve Books.  Place them here for pick up later" and people are actually lying books on top of them.  Somebody pinch me.  I think I'm dreaming.

Happy Birthday to Me

Roller coaster boy has a birthday coming up this month and he's making sure all at the Ref Desk know about it.  He keeps hinting for someone to purchase him a dvd on fire trucks because "Miss Jane" took pity on him and bought him a roller coaster dvd for Christmas.

What Did I Just Step In?

Sometimes people get tired of relieving themselves behind our trash can in 'Crack Alley' so they manage to mozy over to the staff parking garage for a little more privacy to make their daily constitutional visits in between the parked cars.  I once backed up over a mound of mud in the garage and only later discovered that it wasn't mud but someone's bowel movement.  Needless to say, the tires on my car stunk for a week.

Pee Where You Please

Our mens restroom is a pretty busy place so it's hard for us to keep track of the bathroom key sometimes when the Ref Desk is really busy.  We had one gentleman who got so angry that our bathroom was occupied (the key was actually locked in) that he failed to visit the other three mens rooms in the building and chose instead to go to the stacks in the far corner of the library behind the elevator shaft to relieve himself.  He left us a nice big 'water' stain on the wall and the floor. If you think inebriated people's breath is bad, it's nothing compared to the stench of their urine.

In Misery

Why are some people compelled to make others miserable? They plot and scheme to make your life hell and they suffer no repercussions because of it whatsoever.  Life just isn't fair sometimes. Wah Wah

Pardon My French

I expect little kids to wreak havoc with crayons and markers but why would grown adults feel compelled to write nasty words on tables, chairs, walls and elevators?  Someone has been going around scribbling obscenities on the furniture and inside the public elevator.  As soon as you scrub it off they write "B*tch" or "Wh*re" all over the place again.  Grow up people!

Bra Stash

Once caught a lady leaving the restroom with an entire roll of toilet paper stuffed into her bra.  She had taken all the paper off the roll and had actually padded her bra with it.  She went in a B-cup and came out looking like Dolly Parton on crack.

Chick-a-Pee Please

I have a terrible time understanding certain accents on the telephone.  A guy once called and asked for a funeral home in the town of 'Chickapee'.  I searched the local phone book and could not find a listing for that city anywhere near where he said it would be.  There are a lot of American-Indian named villages nearby so I thought that it was a logical name for a place but then I realized he wasn't saying Chickapee he was trying to say Chesapeake. Man did I feel stupid cause all my brain heard was chickaphee, chikopee, chickapeake, over and over.

Don't You Just Love 'Em?

Don't you just love those modern twenty-first century parents who totally ignore their children while they are in the library so the kid naturally gets upset and in return does anything and everything under the sun to get their attention?  I especially love it when the kid starts yelling and making noise and the parent responds with the usual "Stop it or I'll beat your a**. " Great parenting skills America!

Don't Let the Sun Go Down

Buttcrack girl is back and the full moon is shining just as bright today as yesterday.  She is still totally oblivious.

Dumb Crooks

Dumb crooks have struck again!  A young couple with a small child came to the Ref Desk yesterday looking for guitar books.  This morning our maintenance guy found three guitar book covers ripped off and stashed in the mens restroom trash can.  I wonder who took them?  Hmm, let me hazard a guess...

Service With A Smile

Everyone has bad days but I especially hate it when I'm stressed out and in a particularly foul mood and someone comes up to the Ref Desk and demands a smile.  Yes, D-E-M-A-N-D-S that I smile at them.  I speak in a pleasant manner and offer to assist them but that isn't enough for some people, er, men.  Are they flirting? Do they think they are cheering me up?  No! It only ticks me off more. So back off gents and let me be!

As the Cookie Crumbles

Here's another one of my favorite fortune cookie sayings "Keep it simple. The more you say, the less people remember".

Late Night TV

We have the sweetest guy who comes in periodically to find celebrity addresses.  He likes to write to celebrities to collect their photos and autographs but sometimes the people that he's trying to track down are so obscure we often have trouble finding contact agencies or fan sites that are still being maintained.  He loves the SyFy channel and all the weird late night kitsch shows from the '70s and '80s.  I mean who else remembers the actress Robey from the old tv show Friday the 13th?  Thank heavens for IMDb.

Eye Roll Championships

Ever been a third-party in a two man discussion where each one of the persons involved is deep into some rant and you sit back and watch each person take turns eye-rolling at the others tale?  You know neither is actually listening to what the other has to say.  They spend the entire conversation contemplating sharp-witted comebacks or plotting how to use the information against each other at a later date.  A diabolical yet fascinating phenomenon.

Full Moon Rising

Another crack alley reject on the public Internet terminals today.  This lady's butt crack was a full four inches in view with no sign of underwear to be had.  She had her shirt jacked up above her waistband and her bum out on full display for all to see.

Fly Away Home

While exiting the library one evening I noticed a gentleman from the Tex-Mex restaurant across the street carrying a large plastic tub into the alley.  The guy opened the lid and turned the tub over exposing a ton of red chili peppers.  After shaking the tub a little about a thousand moths came flying up from under the peppers and flew off into the night sky.  Strange thing is he took the chilis back inside the restaurant instead of dumping them in the trash.  Needless to say I never ate at that restaurant again.

C'Mon People

What is so hard about enforcing a policy that is already in place?  How hard is it to ask someone to sign their name and date a request form?  Apparently it's too inconvenient for some staff people at our branch libraries.  We keep telling them "We don't take phone requests for Interlibrary Loan materials.  People have to come in or download the form and sign and date it before they submit the request". Simple enough. Right?

Heroine Chic

I once had a patron follow me around the library pestering me with personal questions like "What's your favorite kind of car?" and "Where in the world would you most like to live?"  I found these questions rather bothersome but the patron assured me that he was on the level.  He said that he admired me and wanted to use me as the basis for his heroine in the detective novel that he was writing. I must admit that line was a new one on me. 

Uncle Sam Rides Again

Does anyone else hate tax season when free tax assistance is offered at the public library?  I know it's a good thing for the public but I just hate dealing with the overly demanding tax volunteers who constantly pester me for paper, toner and technical assistance.  Shouldn't they already know how to clear a paper jam?  Troubleshooting office equipment to help get the people in-and-out-the-door faster should be mandatory training besides learning how to fill out a 1040 EZ.

Shock to the System

Is it illegal to use cattle prods on people? Sometimes I wish I had a magic zapper to use on annoying and unruly patrons.  Something that would just make them catatonic until my shift was over and then they would magically awaken and not remember a thing.